Gain the tools you need to create better connections and deeper relationships.
CONNECTION IS EVERYTHING
CONNECTION IS EVERYTHING
Why bother asking?
Have you ever left a conversation asking yourself “Am I boring or dull? Did I say something offensive? Did I talk too much?” If so, you are not alone.
I counted 9 today. 9 conversations that could have been different if I had asked a different question at some point in the conversation. Or if I had asked a question at all!
Were the conversations bad conversations? Were they good conversations? Were they satisfying conversations? Why did that even cross my mind? What kinds of conversations were they? What kinds of questions did I wish I had asked?
Have you ever had a conversation that when you left it, you felt incomplete? Or a little unsettled? Or maybe you had a little nagging thought that you said something offensive, or you were a little angry but couldn’t put your finger on why you had the feeling? Or you were completely insulted or felt rejected or dismissed? I think at one point or another those responses are part of the universal human experience. Sometimes the feeling comes and goes, sometimes it lingers and, in many relationships, that feeling is the norm, rather than the exception.
There is another side to that coin.
Have you ever been in a conversation that you left feeling unseen and unheard and insignificant? Where the other person did all the talking?
They took all of the space and all of the air. You realized you were drifting off and disconnecting, while politely nodding and muttering “uh huh”. You might have even been feeling a little offended or were even getting mad. And it might be with a person who always has conversations with you like this!
And what is even worse, they thought that they were having a great conversation. Well of course they thought that, because they were doing all the talking! It was an information dump. A book report, a long-winded recount of a decidedly uninteresting story (at least to you) which they recounted in excruciating detail. It’s the kind of conversation that makes you anxious if you see that person’s number come up on a call.
There are chronic unaware talkers who have no idea that they do this all the time. And it is possible that you are one of those people. It might be worth a quick self-assessment at this moment to see if that is possible. You might be asking, “Do I do that?” What are some of the symptoms?
Track the total number of minutes in any conversation you have, and then calculate or guess how many of those total minutes were you talking. A safe rule of thumb is that we shouldn’t take much more than 50% of the air time. One visual of a balanced conversation is a tennis match. You hit the ball, they hit the ball. You make a point or comment, they make a point or comment. Unlike a tennis match, there will be blocks of time when you are explaining an idea or telling a story, so you take time of possession, and then the partner in the conversation might do the same, but as an overall measure, each of you controlled (were talking) about 50 % of the time. It is worth noting that the 50/50 idea is a starting point. Many people feel really comfortable and actually prefer taking a very small part of the air time. To a reserved or shy person, 50 % might even feel overwhelming. I heard a quote from an autist person the other day. He said, “Any situation where I get to explain in depth something that I am deeply interested in and knowledge about is wonderful. It’s small talk that is awful for me”. We will address small talk shortly.
The most important concept is that developing even a tiny awareness of “time of possession” is a start on the path to better conversations.
Join me on
this mission to create better connections.
Every day I notice multiple opportunities for human connection that stumble or fail. On our human quest to find meaning and joy in personal interactions, the fail rate often seems higher than the success rate.
Conversations we have that leave us feeling slightly off. Slightly misunderstood. Or with the sense that I knew I wanted to say something but never quite got it out. Or if I did try, I felt like I missed the mark.
Is that just the way it is, or is that really an improvable skill? That was a leading question, but it is absolutely an improbable skill at your fingertips, that with a little bit of practice, a tool box at your disposal and a desire to have a more fulfilling personal and professional life is easy to master.
Join me on my mission to help us all have more meaningful relationships and conversations.
The answer? Learn how ask questions. Good questions.
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peter.parnegg@gmail.com
505-280-4333
Peter Pernegg
5232 Fox Hills Dr
Fort Collins, CO 80526